08: ABC Day Ocho

As of this morning I weigh 66.8, or 146.9. So, in the week, I have lost 6.6 pounds. Not too bad. We'll see what I weigh later on tonight. I'm not sure if I'm going to eat... I probably should, but I don't want to. We'll see. I have great pain in my left shoulder, and I'm not sure why. It sucks. I have to hold it at an odd angle for it to feel better. My plan for tonight is to have tea, then do homework for about an hour, then work out for an hour, read, then homework, then workout, etc. Possibly write more in my book.

07: ABC Day Siete

Well, I'm 67.2, which makes me happy. I ate only breakfast today. Most of it I hid in my shoe and gave to my dog. Depending on what I lose tomorrow, I will have lost about 6 pounds within a week. I am pleased. No one has commented on my weight loss as of yet, but I'm sure someone will comment by the weekend. It's good to know that having one day of binging will only set me off a little, and I can get back on track quite rapidly now. I am VERY happy. I have a great number of books and work to keep me occupied, and I believe that I will be able to lose another six, if not seven pounds this week. If I go to my mom's this weekend, it will be easy to hide food and throw it away. I cannot turn down any food she offers me because she is very wary of me and my weight, and she doesn't want me to lose any weight. And by then I will be at least ten pounds lighter than when she saw me last. It will be even worse if I don't see her until that following weekend, because I will probably be about... 133 give or take. And I will be able to wear the nice dress I bought! But I will be 20 pounds lighter than when she last saw me and I KNOW that she will say something. Hopefully everyone just smiles and tells me that I look nice, ask me how I did it, and that will be the end of it. And by Christmas I hope to be in the 120's, but I don't want to get carried away. For now my goal is these last 7 pound so that I'm in the 130's. I would be content to be in the mid 130's for a little bit. But then I'll want to go on into the 120's. No turning back, I have to work my way down. I think my UGW is going to be 110, and once I hit that, I will stop. Maybe. I don't know. If I fit into a size 2, I will stop. If I'm smaller than my best friend, then I will stop. I don't know how I was so strong today, but I sat on the couch watching TV and reading for hours and not once did it occur to me to get up and go in the kitchen. It's like I was glued on the spot, and I'm glad. I wish I hadn't had that binge yesterday, it really set be back. But I've gotten back on track like never before. Can I really do this in one run? I'm so excited. Again, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. But still. I can't help but be optmistic. Anyway, I doubt it, but if I lose even a point of a kilo by tomorrow, then I'll go along with the rules of the ABC, otherwise I'm fasting again. And Tuesday, for sure, I'll go along with it. I just want to make sure that I'm not set back by the mini-binge. That food was all so disgusting anyway, I don't know why I bothered. I'm glad to have the weekend over with, the week is always easier. I don't know what I'm going to do over break... probably just do a lot of reading and keep my mind occupied, and making sure that people leave me be and aren't forcing me to eat. I will fast the day before Christmas eve to make room for the food I will inevitably eat. I will make it seem as if I have been eating all that day, so when it comes to meal time, I can get away with only eating a little... or, I'll throw it outside for the cats. I'll figure something out. Either way, I'll be up late working out. And the next day I'll work out all day, tell my mom I want something little to eat and then not eat it. Everyting will be alright. I will fast except for the moments when I am made to eat, and it will be effortless. I'm doing fine. The weekend's always a bit difficult. I'm writing a book about Romans, a romance, and that should keep me busy. It's just for fun, and to take up time, nothing serious. Those always end up to be the best stories, the ones you write for yourself. My stomach hurts a little because of the hunger but I'm trying to ignore it. I hear that eventually the stomach just gives up, and knows it won't get any food so it doesn't try to make you eat anymore. I hope that's true. I tried on the dress that I bought on Black Friday and it looks a LOT better. I may take pictures. Or I'll wait a while, because it still doesn't look all that great. By my cousin's graduation I hope it looks great on me. I know we will end up going out to eat, so I won't eat the day before. See, I've got to plan ahead for so many things. I liked being alone for the most part this weekend. And being with my dad, that's always nice. He's a good guy, didn't ground me when he found weed and a lighter in my room. He's a good guy. He understands me for the most part, just not all of me. I hope I get to go on a trip with him before i go to college, because it'll be hard being away from him, but I will visit often. I know he'll cry, and I will too. But everything will be alright. I'll visit him. Anyway, I'm kind of rambling to ignore the hunger but I guess I'll do some leg lifts and wait for my dad to call me down to the basement to watch america's funniest videos. We're lame, I know.

06: ABC Day Sies

Well, it's almost 8 in the morning and I'm not sure why I'm up so damn early. I wanted to sleep. But anyways, today's calorie allotment is 200 but I'm not going to eat anything to make up for the pizza yesterday... that just really makes me feel like shit. I'm going to start working out as soon as I warm up a bit. The more calories I burn, the better. I like mornings because my stomach is really flat, and I can see my hipbones and sort of see my ribs really well. I'm not going to trust my scale until around 6 tonight. I may go and visit my best guy friend, C. If he texts me, otherwise I won't. Or, I may not be able to weigh myself at all because my best girl friend might want me to go to her house and stay the night. In which case, I'll have to be careful not to eat anything because she's constantly eating. I'm not worried about it at all though, because I don't feel hunger. Hopefully it lasts all day. And the good thing about staying with her is that I can say I don't feel good or some bullshit and she won't like, force me to eat, and then my dad won't be there to force me to eat and all will be well, because I won't have to eat today. Tomorrow... I'll probably end up eating whatever the calorie limit is if i lose from last night (66.6). Everything i do today will be aimed towards losing weight. FUCK. I hope my stupid step mom doesn't decided to make breakfast... i CANT eat right now. I don't want to eat. I could always pretend I went back to sleep when I hear them start moving around and so when they come to wake me up they'll think I'm not up and they'll eat without me and later I'll just pretend to eat. I have no desire to eat, it just seems really disgusting to me right now. I'm laying on my stomach, and I'm not content with what i've done yet because I can feel my stomach pressing on the bed and I used to be able to feel my hips and my ribs poking the bed. I think I was like 136. But if I put my hands in fists on my pelvis, I can feel my hip bones poking into my wrists. I can feel the bones in my shoulder becoming sharper, but you can't really see it yet. And when i run my thumb over my side, i can feel my ribs. My legs seem a lot smaller but there's really no telling. If I lose a lot of weight in my legs fast I'll be pretty excited, I don't really notice much else, besides my face being thinner and my wrists are kind of starting to shrink. Can wait to take pictures on Sunday, I really should have taken them last week as well so you can see what I started at. Oh well. I think I'm going to go back to sleep for a while and when I get up I'l work out.

05: ABC Day Cinco

As of this morning I weigh 67.7, which isn't bad. That's like... 148.9. So hopefully by tomorrow i'll be 147. I'm not eating today, just drinking tea whenever the hunger hits me. I'm taking my time getting ready for school becaue i have to pick up my best friend and she takes foreever to get ready. That mini almost binge I had last night really upsets me, that's part of the reason why I don't want to eat today. We'll see. I'll only eat if I'm forced to... And I'll do the same amount of working out as yesterday. I'll probably take a nap as soon as I get home and that should take up some time; at least until like 6. As soon as I wake up I'll have more tea, work out, homework, read, blah blah. If I do get forced to eat I'll just bring it in my room and hide it at the bottom of my trash can. I'll take the trash out once I get home. Today's just started, I'm nt even at school, and I already want to go home. If I fast sucessfully, I'm only going to weigh in the morning; that way there will be a bigger jump. My scale is so finicky, its so easy to convince it to go to a different weight... once I'm at a lower weight, I'll definitly take the higher one. But whatever. Nothing on me is bonier. I wish I wasn't on my period, but at least when I'm off it, there should be a bigger jump. So about... Sunday maybe, there'll be a jump. I just really want to  get to 146 by Sunday night/monday morning. Is that possible? I think if I devote my weekend to working out and eating as little as possible, then it will go wonerfully. And maybe I'll be able to lose it. I have the sudden inspiration to write fanfiction, so I'll look into that. I just like to type, I think. I like the little vibrations that go through my fingers when i get to typing extra fast. See, I never thik of this stuff when I'm eating like a fat pig. I finished off all those crackers so I can't do the same thing again. I proomise to take pictures on sunday of me in those jeans. And when I have time I'll tag all the posts that have pictures so that when I'm actually thin it'll be easier to see before/afterness. Anyway, I had better attempt to get ready, I'm alost done with my tea. And I'll actaully take a multivitamin today so I don't pass out.

12:00 AM
Well, I feel like my stomach is bigger than ever. I know I'm bloated because of my period but still... I feel fucking fat as all hell. I ate today. Had two pieces of pizza, like when they cut it into squares. I estimated around 500 calories. Well, I just got done playing Just Dance and I got 3365 sweat points, which adds up to 801 calories burnt. I really hope that conversion is accurate... anyway. So if I really burnt that many calories then I should still lose tomorrow because it's like I didn't eat anything today. i didn't eat anything, still, until like 10. I don't know why I even ate it, maybe just to show my dad that I'm eating? Because I keep turning him down when he offers me food and I don't want him to be suspicious or anything. But then I was in the bathroom chocking because I coughed and some of the pizza came up, and he yelled up at me and asked me if I was "throwing up, you know what i mean." really? then he's like, "its something teens do, you never know." ugh. Please dad, don't accuse me of having an eating disorder. Please. Not when i'm just starting to do so well. You can't stop me now. Last time I weighed myself, around six, I weighed 66.6 kilos. So I lost 7 pounds in 5 days, which i think is great! I won't weigh myself tonight because I drank a shit ton of water and plus the pizza... it'll just make the scale all wacky, and I can't trust my scale anyways. I really hope what I'm losing is solid fat because that would mean that if I lose tomorrow, I'll be 145 already, and that would be great. Maybe I can lose ten pounds in a week, like some people. I'm sure if I wasn't on my period I would have already done it. I'm so proud of how I've been controlling myself, and I know that my stomach has shrunk...

On an unrelated note: I've decided not to pursue a career in pharmacy. I suck at AP chem, and it's just all around boring to me. So, I think I'd like major in communications and minor in either anthropology or this like, greek mythology thing. And I'm REEALLY interested in that. I would major in anthropology but you can't really do anything in that besides be a professor. But I don't have to decide until I enroll, and then they'll help me with all of that. I think I'd really like it. So, I'm going to start reading a lot more since I won't be in chem (hopefully, if I can get out) and I'll read a lot about other cultures and stuff and more nonfiction books. and old classics. I'm really excited, this is right up my alley. Maybe i'll even get to have an internship somewhere else, like italy! Well, now I'm getting pretty hopeful.. but another thing is that i'll meet more people that are like me and have the same interests. And people who are more down to earth than the pharmacy people... more down to earth= sexier guys. And I'm sure there'll be some nice, rich, sexy boys. ;) That's drivinng me as well, because when I visit UIC in the spring I'd like to walk in there, the future freshman, and have everyone looking at me and being all, "damn, i hope i get to know her!" plus i hear communicaitons is kind of a blow off major so i can totally smoke weed and party a lot. I think this is a lot more up my alley, I started crying at school today because i was so relieved. and my parent's are totally cool with it! I just really can't wait. then i'll go back for my masters... after i get a bit stable/before i have kids. I'll graduate at 22, and hopefully have a long term boyfriend. I'll probably get him my sophomore year, after i fuck around freshman year. then we'll move in together after maybe a year or two, and once we are both stable in our home, i'll talk to him about me going back to school... BUT, if he's some big time then I might not have to, and i could have some simple job somewhere. But i can't rely on some guy incase we get divorced... and i really hope i never get divorced. I'll probably have kids at around 26 or so. it really depends. But for the first time, I'm actually looking forward for the future. For once I feel like there's something worth living for. As long as I keep losing weight, then everything is fine..

NOTE; I can't fucking type...

04: ABC Day Cuatro

Quick update before school: As of right now, I weigh 68.1! AND I'm on my period!
Tonight I still weigh the same as I did this morning. But that's alright, as long as I didn't gain. Today went okay:
L: Pretzels (110)
D: soup (160), 2 fig newtons (110), and about 200 calories work of crackers.
T: 580
E: 2470 sweat points= 588 calories
NT: -8 calories
Even thought I went a little crazy on the crackers and went over my daily limit, I burned off twice as much as usual, which should compensate. I at least burned off those crackers. As long as I lose in the morning, all is well. I'm starting to worry a little because I haven't had a bowel movement in quite a few days. At least not since the weekend. I think it may be because I havent' accumulated enough food in my stomach to produce anything? Who knows. At least I pee a lot. And I'm getting a lot of water, which is good. Tomorrow is day five, and I'm allowed 100 which may also compensate for today. I'm worried about what I will eat, so I'm just going to plan on eating nothing until I get home, and maybe I'll get forced into eating something (like they tried to do tonight) and maybe not. And if not, I'll have a frozen yogurt cup that is 100 calories that I can eat while in bed at aroun 9 o clock. I'll be fine until then, and I need to build my strength back up. I'll proably work out about as much as I did today, I shoudl probably make a list of the songs I did but I'm pretty braindead right now. I'm going to go to bed soon. I don't really see any physical progress, but I'm still at such a high weight that I wouldn't expect to until at least a ten pound loss. I really hope I can go down to the 67's... oh I forgot! I lied up there^! I'm actually 67.8! Total pounds lost is 4.44 in four days! It probably won't go down tomorrow, unless my working out actually did something. I hope it did; it built up a sweat. Plus, once I pee in the morning I'm sure I'll lose some water weight. As long as I don't go up, though, I really don't care. Well, I'm going to attempt to read a little, and if that fails, I'll just go to sleep. Tomorrow should be good, I'll busy myself with actually studying and reading tomorrow night, and working out.

03: ABC Day Tres

Results of the day:
B: Multivitamin
L: Pretzels (110)
D: 1 sour stick (16), apple (80), tea, soup (60)
T: 266

I hear tomorrow is supposed to be the hardest, but usually the third day of restricting is the worst for me. But I faked eating the dinner my step mom made, had my soup, and I'm pretty content. I just have to ask for more soup. I'm not sure if I'm going to work out tonight or not. I'm pretty exhausted for some reason. Well... not really. Not as bad as I would expect; I think it's from the multivitamins keeping me well. As of 6:30 PM I weigh 68.5 kilos! Hopefully in the morning it goes down even more that would be spectacular! I've done the majority of my homework and what's left, I don't mind doing. I'm getting really into this book. And if I ever feel like binging, I've came up with the idea that I can summarize what i've read so far and what my emotions are on it. That's how you know you're a geek; when you actually want to analyse stuff like you do in AP English. But really, restricting does me a lot of good; I got back into reading, and am already on page 172. It's a really good story, I love books with a lot of description and backstory. For a while, at the hospital, I lost where I was. And it was like I wasn't even consiously reading the story but like it was being read to me. Is that weird? And I've just thought of how the girl in the story is pictured in my mind and I feel like a lot of people picture her differently. I don't know. I'm more insightful when I'm not busy shoving food down my throat. I still have no desire to talk to boys or anything. Maybe it's because when I'm bored I feel the need to talk to them; but I'm not bored because restricting gives me something to focus on. And I have PT, and books, and blogging. So really, I'm content with just myself. And I think that's a good way to be. Sometimes when I get really into a book, I sort of morph into their personality. Especially if they talk in the first person. I begin thinking that their world is mine, and that I should do as they would. That always affects me badly with ED books and such. Makes this all worse. So far, I've lost 3.08 pounds (started at 69.9) and it's just now the end of day three. I'm hoping that I will be able to lose ten pounds in the week. It depends on how much I weigh when I wake up, and its generally less than when i go to sleep. So we'll see.

02: ABC Day Dos

I woke up today and I weigh 152. It's better than where I was, but you know. I know I said I would only weigh myself on Mondays or whatever, but since I'm at a higher weight, I just want to be sure that I'm losing every day. And once I' down to like, 140, then I'll weigh like once or twice a week. And I'll probably do the picture thing on Sundays, since I'll have more time. Today after school I'm planning on going to my Grandma's and helping her put up her tree. She lives next door. That should both burn calories and get me out of eating dinner. And the walk there and back should burn some off as well. Then the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show comes on, and I watch that every year. It always jumpstarts me into losing a bunch of weight and going completely psycho. Which is good, I think. If I continue to lose a pound a day, I should be... 141 by the tenth. I better go, since I have to ride the bus today cause my dad doesn't think I'm capable of driving in the snow. Ugh.

B: Multivitamin
L: Nada
D: Plain hamburger meat without bread or anything, a few fries, a couple onion rings.
E: 1341 sweat points= 319 calories burnt
T: 400-319=81 calories.

Guessing 150 for the fries, 250 for the hamburger. Thank god I didn't eat anything else today. Hopefully I'll be able to burn that all off by working out. I'll finish my homework while watching the fashion show, and do my work outs now. I've officially lost 1.1 pounds since yesterday. I am 69.4 kilos. I'm only weighing myself in kilos for now because seeing the high numbers upset and discourage me and this way I feel a little better.

EDIT: Note to self; next time stop working out before you feel like you're about to puke.
Plan for tomorrow:
B: multivitamin
L: pretzels (110)
D: tea and apple (while at hospital, 80), then maybe a banana or soup (60-90)
T:250-300.
I doubt that I'll exercise, because I won't have the time. But who knows. I found the time today. I can feel the unger coming and it's sstarting to drive me bonkers. Reading helps to take my mind off of it, as does sleeping. So I'm going to read for a little while and then pass out so I don't have to think about anything anymore. I really hope that I'm like some girls and I lose like ten pounds in the first week. That would make all this discomfort in my stomach totally worth it. Because right now I just feel shitty as hell. I'll just imagine that it's the fat dissolving away. Any pain I feel will be the fat leaving. Bye bye fat, I hope to never see you again...

01: ABC Day Uno

B: Tea and multivitamin
L: Nada
Snack: Tea and banana (90)
D: Chicken (100?), mac and cheese (60), rice (50), greens (10)
E: -406
T: 310-406= -96

So, my plan was messed up because for some odd reason my family decided to eat together (we never do) and so I had to eat at least something. I only ate a little of everything and picked at what was on my plate. I estimated on all the values for dinner but hopefully it's right. Even if it went a little over, I burned 406 calories by playing Just Dance 2. That seems like an awful lot, but I found online that a calorie is 4.2 sweat points and I had like 1707 or something sweat points. My legs are disgustingly huge. It's grossing me out. Even though (if the values are close) I ate less calories than I planned on, and a lot less than 500, I'm not eating anymore incase I actually ate way over 500 calories. I really hope I didn't... GOD, when I'm having a good day, something always has to mess it up! Oh well, hopefully I worked most of it off, so that I at least brought myself back down to 500 calories or so. Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm just rambling a bunch of nonesense. Oh well. I also ran up the hill from my grandparents' house to mine, so that may have burned off some (doubt it). Ugh. I just want this fat to get off of my body. I want to weigh myself but I'm too afraid, I may just wait until the morning or until Wednesday... probably in the morning, because I really need to know so that I can act accordingly and wrap my plans around losing more. Hopefully I'm not over 150 because that would be say. I remember when I would bounce around 136 for a couple years. I wish I was back there. But I will be, the trouble will just be to maintain. Hopefully I'm 145 or something so that I'll only take me a week to get into the 130's. I'm sick of being in the 140's, it's tiresome and I've been stuck like this for fucking ever and I'm sick of it. Typing burns calories. Maybe I'm up to burning 410 now. Ugh. I wish I could fastforward a week so my legs aren't AS repulsive.
Plan for tomorrow:
B: Tea, multivitamin
L: Nada
D: Tea, banana, can of soup (150) with 6 crackers (90)
E: At least 1500 sweat points on Just Dance.

And if I go to like six or seven sucessfully, then I'll eat a bit more. You know, so I won't pass out or anything. I'd love to feel like a sucess right now but I just can't, because I don't know what I ate today. And it's dricingme insane. I can feel it in my stomach, in my throat, and I just want to purge. This morning I had diarrea as soon as I got up. I don't know why, but I felt cleansed after it was all out. TMI: But it was a lot so I felt like I lost a damn pound. Anyway, I'm going to try and read a little, and maybe at seven I'll work out some more. Hopefully burn another 400. I really hope that the calorie/sweat point thing is accurate... Also, I've decided that I will take pictures with each weigh in. So, I'm probably going to weigh in on Mondays so next monday I will take pictures of me in my dress I bought, these purple pants I got, my jeans I fit in now, jeans that are too small, and shorts that are too small. I think that, once I really start losing the weight, that will motivate me a lot to see actual progress, and that seems like the best way to do it!

EDIT: I fucked up. I'm 153. I want to diediedie, I want to kill myself, I'm sick of living, I just want to die.

You know, this is what fucking happens when I just let myself go off and be stupid and fat and eat whatever the fuck I want and I was trying to be nice to myself or whatever but FUCK that. Fuck it all, I promised myself that I would never be in the 150's again, and now I'm practically halfway through themv?! Fuck food, fuck everything, I hate myself. How the fuck did I let his happen AGAIN. Seriously? Am I really that much of a fatass? Fuck. This. I'm wearing my little spankie outfit to squeeze in my fat until I hit 145 again. God fucking damn it, can I never have a fucking break?! 153, really?! I am SO fucking upset! Why do I have to be such a fat ass, I just don't understand! New plan for tomorrow- Fast. Have tea for breakfast, dinner, snacks, whatever, but  no food will pass these fucking disgusting lips. And I will workout as much as possible, as constantly as possible. Fuck this. I fucking hate being such a fat ass, can I never get a fucking break?!

00: Day Before/Before Pictures

Tomorrow I'm starting the ABC diet, and I'm determined to at least make it to the 30 day mark. I truly think I could do it if I stay focused on what's important. I can already feel myself distancing away from my friends, all day i've been ignoring texts and calls. I just want to be left alone. I feel off today, kind of dizzy and disoriented like I'm not really myself. Like I'm watching myself move around and I cn't control what I do or say. I think it's because when I look in the mirror I don't see myself anymore. This girl I see isn't me. She's too fat, too disgusting to be me. And I have to be rid of her. I pretty much told my dad yesterday that I don't know why people bother living. I really shouldn't have, because he's just going to be watching me very carefully from now on. Anyway, I'm going to try and post everyday and write about how my day went. Hopefully I can do it this time. Plan for tomorrow:

B: Tea and multivitamin
L: Banana
D: Tea, yogurt. Then one cup of soup with 6 crackers
T: Four hundred calories

I figure that, if I can make it at least half way, I'll lose a pound a day. I'm afraid to weigh myself, so I'm just going to say I weigh 150. So, if I end up making it to the 25th day, and I've lost 1 pound each day, then I will weigh 125. Thus, my goal is 125, because I'm expecting to at least make it halfway through. I feel so strong right now, but I know how easily that could go away.

 Sorry for the disgustingness...