03: ABC Day Tres

Results of the day:
B: Multivitamin
L: Pretzels (110)
D: 1 sour stick (16), apple (80), tea, soup (60)
T: 266

I hear tomorrow is supposed to be the hardest, but usually the third day of restricting is the worst for me. But I faked eating the dinner my step mom made, had my soup, and I'm pretty content. I just have to ask for more soup. I'm not sure if I'm going to work out tonight or not. I'm pretty exhausted for some reason. Well... not really. Not as bad as I would expect; I think it's from the multivitamins keeping me well. As of 6:30 PM I weigh 68.5 kilos! Hopefully in the morning it goes down even more that would be spectacular! I've done the majority of my homework and what's left, I don't mind doing. I'm getting really into this book. And if I ever feel like binging, I've came up with the idea that I can summarize what i've read so far and what my emotions are on it. That's how you know you're a geek; when you actually want to analyse stuff like you do in AP English. But really, restricting does me a lot of good; I got back into reading, and am already on page 172. It's a really good story, I love books with a lot of description and backstory. For a while, at the hospital, I lost where I was. And it was like I wasn't even consiously reading the story but like it was being read to me. Is that weird? And I've just thought of how the girl in the story is pictured in my mind and I feel like a lot of people picture her differently. I don't know. I'm more insightful when I'm not busy shoving food down my throat. I still have no desire to talk to boys or anything. Maybe it's because when I'm bored I feel the need to talk to them; but I'm not bored because restricting gives me something to focus on. And I have PT, and books, and blogging. So really, I'm content with just myself. And I think that's a good way to be. Sometimes when I get really into a book, I sort of morph into their personality. Especially if they talk in the first person. I begin thinking that their world is mine, and that I should do as they would. That always affects me badly with ED books and such. Makes this all worse. So far, I've lost 3.08 pounds (started at 69.9) and it's just now the end of day three. I'm hoping that I will be able to lose ten pounds in the week. It depends on how much I weigh when I wake up, and its generally less than when i go to sleep. So we'll see.

02: ABC Day Dos

I woke up today and I weigh 152. It's better than where I was, but you know. I know I said I would only weigh myself on Mondays or whatever, but since I'm at a higher weight, I just want to be sure that I'm losing every day. And once I' down to like, 140, then I'll weigh like once or twice a week. And I'll probably do the picture thing on Sundays, since I'll have more time. Today after school I'm planning on going to my Grandma's and helping her put up her tree. She lives next door. That should both burn calories and get me out of eating dinner. And the walk there and back should burn some off as well. Then the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show comes on, and I watch that every year. It always jumpstarts me into losing a bunch of weight and going completely psycho. Which is good, I think. If I continue to lose a pound a day, I should be... 141 by the tenth. I better go, since I have to ride the bus today cause my dad doesn't think I'm capable of driving in the snow. Ugh.

B: Multivitamin
L: Nada
D: Plain hamburger meat without bread or anything, a few fries, a couple onion rings.
E: 1341 sweat points= 319 calories burnt
T: 400-319=81 calories.

Guessing 150 for the fries, 250 for the hamburger. Thank god I didn't eat anything else today. Hopefully I'll be able to burn that all off by working out. I'll finish my homework while watching the fashion show, and do my work outs now. I've officially lost 1.1 pounds since yesterday. I am 69.4 kilos. I'm only weighing myself in kilos for now because seeing the high numbers upset and discourage me and this way I feel a little better.

EDIT: Note to self; next time stop working out before you feel like you're about to puke.
Plan for tomorrow:
B: multivitamin
L: pretzels (110)
D: tea and apple (while at hospital, 80), then maybe a banana or soup (60-90)
T:250-300.
I doubt that I'll exercise, because I won't have the time. But who knows. I found the time today. I can feel the unger coming and it's sstarting to drive me bonkers. Reading helps to take my mind off of it, as does sleeping. So I'm going to read for a little while and then pass out so I don't have to think about anything anymore. I really hope that I'm like some girls and I lose like ten pounds in the first week. That would make all this discomfort in my stomach totally worth it. Because right now I just feel shitty as hell. I'll just imagine that it's the fat dissolving away. Any pain I feel will be the fat leaving. Bye bye fat, I hope to never see you again...

01: ABC Day Uno

B: Tea and multivitamin
L: Nada
Snack: Tea and banana (90)
D: Chicken (100?), mac and cheese (60), rice (50), greens (10)
E: -406
T: 310-406= -96

So, my plan was messed up because for some odd reason my family decided to eat together (we never do) and so I had to eat at least something. I only ate a little of everything and picked at what was on my plate. I estimated on all the values for dinner but hopefully it's right. Even if it went a little over, I burned 406 calories by playing Just Dance 2. That seems like an awful lot, but I found online that a calorie is 4.2 sweat points and I had like 1707 or something sweat points. My legs are disgustingly huge. It's grossing me out. Even though (if the values are close) I ate less calories than I planned on, and a lot less than 500, I'm not eating anymore incase I actually ate way over 500 calories. I really hope I didn't... GOD, when I'm having a good day, something always has to mess it up! Oh well, hopefully I worked most of it off, so that I at least brought myself back down to 500 calories or so. Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm just rambling a bunch of nonesense. Oh well. I also ran up the hill from my grandparents' house to mine, so that may have burned off some (doubt it). Ugh. I just want this fat to get off of my body. I want to weigh myself but I'm too afraid, I may just wait until the morning or until Wednesday... probably in the morning, because I really need to know so that I can act accordingly and wrap my plans around losing more. Hopefully I'm not over 150 because that would be say. I remember when I would bounce around 136 for a couple years. I wish I was back there. But I will be, the trouble will just be to maintain. Hopefully I'm 145 or something so that I'll only take me a week to get into the 130's. I'm sick of being in the 140's, it's tiresome and I've been stuck like this for fucking ever and I'm sick of it. Typing burns calories. Maybe I'm up to burning 410 now. Ugh. I wish I could fastforward a week so my legs aren't AS repulsive.
Plan for tomorrow:
B: Tea, multivitamin
L: Nada
D: Tea, banana, can of soup (150) with 6 crackers (90)
E: At least 1500 sweat points on Just Dance.

And if I go to like six or seven sucessfully, then I'll eat a bit more. You know, so I won't pass out or anything. I'd love to feel like a sucess right now but I just can't, because I don't know what I ate today. And it's dricingme insane. I can feel it in my stomach, in my throat, and I just want to purge. This morning I had diarrea as soon as I got up. I don't know why, but I felt cleansed after it was all out. TMI: But it was a lot so I felt like I lost a damn pound. Anyway, I'm going to try and read a little, and maybe at seven I'll work out some more. Hopefully burn another 400. I really hope that the calorie/sweat point thing is accurate... Also, I've decided that I will take pictures with each weigh in. So, I'm probably going to weigh in on Mondays so next monday I will take pictures of me in my dress I bought, these purple pants I got, my jeans I fit in now, jeans that are too small, and shorts that are too small. I think that, once I really start losing the weight, that will motivate me a lot to see actual progress, and that seems like the best way to do it!

EDIT: I fucked up. I'm 153. I want to diediedie, I want to kill myself, I'm sick of living, I just want to die.

You know, this is what fucking happens when I just let myself go off and be stupid and fat and eat whatever the fuck I want and I was trying to be nice to myself or whatever but FUCK that. Fuck it all, I promised myself that I would never be in the 150's again, and now I'm practically halfway through themv?! Fuck food, fuck everything, I hate myself. How the fuck did I let his happen AGAIN. Seriously? Am I really that much of a fatass? Fuck. This. I'm wearing my little spankie outfit to squeeze in my fat until I hit 145 again. God fucking damn it, can I never have a fucking break?! 153, really?! I am SO fucking upset! Why do I have to be such a fat ass, I just don't understand! New plan for tomorrow- Fast. Have tea for breakfast, dinner, snacks, whatever, but  no food will pass these fucking disgusting lips. And I will workout as much as possible, as constantly as possible. Fuck this. I fucking hate being such a fat ass, can I never get a fucking break?!

00: Day Before/Before Pictures

Tomorrow I'm starting the ABC diet, and I'm determined to at least make it to the 30 day mark. I truly think I could do it if I stay focused on what's important. I can already feel myself distancing away from my friends, all day i've been ignoring texts and calls. I just want to be left alone. I feel off today, kind of dizzy and disoriented like I'm not really myself. Like I'm watching myself move around and I cn't control what I do or say. I think it's because when I look in the mirror I don't see myself anymore. This girl I see isn't me. She's too fat, too disgusting to be me. And I have to be rid of her. I pretty much told my dad yesterday that I don't know why people bother living. I really shouldn't have, because he's just going to be watching me very carefully from now on. Anyway, I'm going to try and post everyday and write about how my day went. Hopefully I can do it this time. Plan for tomorrow:

B: Tea and multivitamin
L: Banana
D: Tea, yogurt. Then one cup of soup with 6 crackers
T: Four hundred calories

I figure that, if I can make it at least half way, I'll lose a pound a day. I'm afraid to weigh myself, so I'm just going to say I weigh 150. So, if I end up making it to the 25th day, and I've lost 1 pound each day, then I will weigh 125. Thus, my goal is 125, because I'm expecting to at least make it halfway through. I feel so strong right now, but I know how easily that could go away.

 Sorry for the disgustingness...